I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Welp...herpes.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
