Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
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