About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
