There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize