Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
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