Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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