took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Randomize
