I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
