Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
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