she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
