i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
