I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
