I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Randomize
