Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
