You're a womanizer and a bitch.
i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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