i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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