Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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