census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
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