I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Randomize
