I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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