my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
