I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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