my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
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