I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
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