did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Randomize
