Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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