god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
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