Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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