she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Randomize
