You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
