She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
