the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
