im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
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