Tell her she can't have a vagina
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Randomize
