I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
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