I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
