Taylor Swift is so right about you.
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
