I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
