Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
Hippo gnu deer
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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