I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
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He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
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My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.