I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol