Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni