i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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