You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
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