I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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