"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
