someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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