Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
