She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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