Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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