I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
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I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
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He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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