im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
