I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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