I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
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Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
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You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
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