We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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