Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
